May 27, 2010

They're Back!!

Lacy and Peter are back from their year in Japan.  We are so glad we don't have to talk over Skype anymore!!

May 21, 2010

Relief Society rocks!

Went on a retreat with my ward women, it was great.  They are awesome!

May 20, 2010

Personal History: Post partum

This is my story straight up. It's long, boring and totally self-indulgent. It's for me to remember so I don't forget my feelings. 

After my labor and delivery I felt so out of it, which I know is totally normal but I honestly felt like I  was outside of my body and couldn't act normal.  I remember wanting everyone who came to see us to go home, but also panicking at the thought that I couldn't sleep or relax without them there because I was in charge of Gus.  I woke up in the middle of the night realizing they had taken Gus to the nursery, I remember feeling frantic.  I walked the halls and banged on the window crying for them to give me back my baby.  I saw all these other moms walking the halls wearing their robes and looking rested and happy, but I did not feel that way at all, I felt horrible.  When Gus was taken in for his circumcision I waited out in the hall for him and James to get finished.  I watched from the window when the doctor looked my way with a concerned look then he came out to tell me that Gus had a condition that he found during the procedure that would have to be fixed.  Are you kidding me, I was at a loss.  In the end it was really no big deal, but to a mom with post partum depression/anxiety every little thing feels like the end of the world.  My independent nature didn't even think of planning help ahead of time, I had meals coming from the ward and I had made some frozen meals earlier.  I realize now that I didn't need food, I needed someone to talk to.  I came home knowing I was on my own, James had finals, my mom was planning a wedding, and I was alone.  One of my earliest struggles was that I didn't produce milk, I took all the herbal stuff, I pumped, but I never got a drop. Nursing is another thing that just added pressure and stress and made me feel horribly guilty.  I struggled with other things too, we had 1/2 the income, no insurance for me or Gus and we made just enough money to qualify for nothing.  When Gus was seven days old he spiked a crazy fever, I took him to his pediatrician who sent us straight to the hospital.  I could do nothing else but cry, I was devastated.  I sat in the hospital room waiting as they ran all the tests and worried and cried.  I was tired, and so out of it. Some of the staff at the hospital was kind, they sympathized and I'm sure could see I was struggling. I had one nurse that would routinely stop in and ask to hold Gus so I could get out of the room to take a walk.  Even the lactation consultant gave me the green light to stop nursing, she knew I needed the reassurance that I was making the right choice.  At this point my family and friends were aware that I was having a really hard time with Gus being in the hospital and with my emotions.  I had such great support, my mom and sisters and my best friend rallied around me, listened to me and sacrificed countless hours to ensure that I was alone as little as possible.  With all their help, the guilt I felt was immeasurable.  I was taking people away from their families, my husband was sleeping and studying for finals in a hospital room and I was so mad that I couldn't get my crap together and take care of my family.  I played a good roll, I would put on a happy face and make sure I looked fine, but I was not okay.  The next few months flew by, I couldn't sleep, I never ate, it was rough. The emotions and anxiety were relentless, everything was magnified, I was sure the whole world hated me and thought I was a horrible mom, I felt guilty, lazy, and I was always sure that Gus was going to die. James was amazing, he worked hard all week, woke up at night to take care of Gus and also worked a landscaping job during the weekend. I could go on and on, there were so many feelings and emotions that made me feel like I was on a roller coaster. It was a hard year, but with love and support things got better.  I  took me two years to feel like I had my personality back,  I still have the anxiety, just not as extreme, I've also been able to overcome the guilt; it was a hard time, and the people who loved me wanted to help so I just accept it and will try to pay it back.  It's so crazy to look back on the experience at this stage and think of how random it was.  It was a growing experience for me and has really helped me develop my ability to accept help and give help to those who need me.

May 12, 2010

Personal History: Pregnant (not currently)

To say that we were shocked when we found out we were pregnant is an understatement.  We had only been married for 8 months, we were not trying to get pregnant and of course I felt totally unprepared.  That all changed quickly, I got very excited and started to lay the groundwork for the changes that would need to take place once we had our baby.  I knew as soon as I was pregnant that I was having a boy, I never really thought I would have a girl (secretly I hope I only have boys.)  I was sick from 3 months on, puke and a weird cough that lingered and made me pee my pants all the time (awesome!)  I totally got used to throwing up, every night after I brushed my teeth I would puke and brush again. One perk about puke was that I only gained 10 pounds during my pregnancy, which made me so glad to not add too much weight to my ghetto booty. The heartburn was my least favorite thing, I would take medicine every morning and send one of my students to buy me milk every day before math.  My class thought it was hilarious, I thought I was going to have a heart attack.  I stayed at work as long as I could, we needed the money and it helped me keep my mind on other things. I remember sitting through AIMS testing and being so glad that I was going to be home and wouldn't have to work anymore. I had three baby showers and they were all awesome, I was so spoiled.  My work team even planned a whole 6th grade shower for me.  They had all the kids bring me diapers (I didn't buy diapers for Gus until he was 8 months old!)  I drove home with my car full of diapers, it was so great.  I had everything I needed and now it was time to wait for Gus to arrive.

May 11, 2010

Personal History: Our first house

I wish I had a better memory for all the details of our first year of marriage, but I don't remember much.  I do know that we were consumed with updating our house that we bought.  We bought our house in one of the worst housing markets ever.  Some of the houses we saw were literally uninhabitable, so when we found this one we were thrilled to find that we both liked it.  Really thinking back on our first glimpse of the house, I'm so surprised we bought it;  It was a dump, the people living in it had so much junk and crap and dogs.  GROSS.  We devoted our days and nights to cleaning, painting and dreaming of all that we could do with our house.  I wish I had more before pictures, but we don't have very many.  Trust me though this house has been a labor of love.  Some of the awesome stuff we got rid of:  pink shag carpet, pink paint on the walls, wood paneling in our room, 15 layers of paint on our kitchen cupboards, blue counter tops, false ceilings, crappy wiring, bad plumbing, desert landscaping, dog smells, cracked walkways.  We have endured some crazy stuff like a flooding basement, windows that leaked with each monsoon rain, and tons of other weird stuff. James has been amazing, with each house project. He tackles them head on, learns how to take care of it and does such a good job.  I'm so happy with how our house looks.  It is really a never ending project, but with everything we do we love the house more.

May 10, 2010

We're a diverse group

We really mix things up, last month was a resort getaway and this month was dutch oven dinners, and target shooting in the desert.

Mother's day

Few of us will reach our potential without the nurturing of both the mother who bore us and the mothers who bear with us.

-Sheri Dew
I'm so grateful to those who've mothered me and so happy to be a mother.  Hardest, happiest calling in the world, but I wouldn't change a thing.

May 9, 2010


I have a million pictures of Kauai, but here are some of my favorites.  The island is by far the most green place ever, yes I got to see George Clooney, I learned that snorkeling is not fun if you wear glasses, I definitely want to go back with James.

May 5, 2010

Rainbow cake instructions

I made 2 regular white cake mixes and seperated them into 6 different bowls for all the colors of the rainbow.  I used the gel food coloring and mixed up each color.  I was only able to get three 8 inch rounds made out of the two cake mixes, but it was plenty.  I took my 1 cup scoop and would take a scoop of each color and plop it in the middle, it just settles into the pattern so don't fuss with it or it will mix colors and look brown and gross.  I did two color order r,o,y,g,b,p and one p,b,g,y,o,r, just to mix it up.  Make sure you spray your pans really well, Pam has this awesome baking spray that has the flour already in it and it was great the cakes just slid out after baking.  Follow baking instructions, cool and decorate.  It took me 3 tubs of store bought frosting to cover this one all the way, just an FYI it's a lot of frosting.