Personal History: Post partum

This is my story straight up. It's long, boring and totally self-indulgent. It's for me to remember so I don't forget my feelings. 

After my labor and delivery I felt so out of it, which I know is totally normal but I honestly felt like I  was outside of my body and couldn't act normal.  I remember wanting everyone who came to see us to go home, but also panicking at the thought that I couldn't sleep or relax without them there because I was in charge of Gus.  I woke up in the middle of the night realizing they had taken Gus to the nursery, I remember feeling frantic.  I walked the halls and banged on the window crying for them to give me back my baby.  I saw all these other moms walking the halls wearing their robes and looking rested and happy, but I did not feel that way at all, I felt horrible.  When Gus was taken in for his circumcision I waited out in the hall for him and James to get finished.  I watched from the window when the doctor looked my way with a concerned look then he came out to tell me that Gus had a condition that he found during the procedure that would have to be fixed.  Are you kidding me, I was at a loss.  In the end it was really no big deal, but to a mom with post partum depression/anxiety every little thing feels like the end of the world.  My independent nature didn't even think of planning help ahead of time, I had meals coming from the ward and I had made some frozen meals earlier.  I realize now that I didn't need food, I needed someone to talk to.  I came home knowing I was on my own, James had finals, my mom was planning a wedding, and I was alone.  One of my earliest struggles was that I didn't produce milk, I took all the herbal stuff, I pumped, but I never got a drop. Nursing is another thing that just added pressure and stress and made me feel horribly guilty.  I struggled with other things too, we had 1/2 the income, no insurance for me or Gus and we made just enough money to qualify for nothing.  When Gus was seven days old he spiked a crazy fever, I took him to his pediatrician who sent us straight to the hospital.  I could do nothing else but cry, I was devastated.  I sat in the hospital room waiting as they ran all the tests and worried and cried.  I was tired, and so out of it. Some of the staff at the hospital was kind, they sympathized and I'm sure could see I was struggling. I had one nurse that would routinely stop in and ask to hold Gus so I could get out of the room to take a walk.  Even the lactation consultant gave me the green light to stop nursing, she knew I needed the reassurance that I was making the right choice.  At this point my family and friends were aware that I was having a really hard time with Gus being in the hospital and with my emotions.  I had such great support, my mom and sisters and my best friend rallied around me, listened to me and sacrificed countless hours to ensure that I was alone as little as possible.  With all their help, the guilt I felt was immeasurable.  I was taking people away from their families, my husband was sleeping and studying for finals in a hospital room and I was so mad that I couldn't get my crap together and take care of my family.  I played a good roll, I would put on a happy face and make sure I looked fine, but I was not okay.  The next few months flew by, I couldn't sleep, I never ate, it was rough. The emotions and anxiety were relentless, everything was magnified, I was sure the whole world hated me and thought I was a horrible mom, I felt guilty, lazy, and I was always sure that Gus was going to die. James was amazing, he worked hard all week, woke up at night to take care of Gus and also worked a landscaping job during the weekend. I could go on and on, there were so many feelings and emotions that made me feel like I was on a roller coaster. It was a hard year, but with love and support things got better.  I  took me two years to feel like I had my personality back,  I still have the anxiety, just not as extreme, I've also been able to overcome the guilt; it was a hard time, and the people who loved me wanted to help so I just accept it and will try to pay it back.  It's so crazy to look back on the experience at this stage and think of how random it was.  It was a growing experience for me and has really helped me develop my ability to accept help and give help to those who need me.